Reasons Why I Don't Drink

I'm 30 years old.
I don't drink.
And I never have.

Let the shock set in. I'll give you one full minute.

"Never?"

Now here's where the questions start. So let me make this easy on everyone out there who is curious as to why and isn't satisfied with my answer of: "I just don't." But first, let me get this out of the way:

I am not a recovering alcoholic but thank you for immediately thinking the reasons I don't drink is because naturally I'm a lush. When I say never, I mean never.

"Like ever? Not even in college?"
"Ok.... I used to take sips of red wine from my mother's glass when I was a toddler, so yes, I have tasted alcohol but I haven't had a drink since I was like...four. So I've been 26 years sober. Does that count?"
 "But.....why???"

I try to understand how this is something to be marveled at so I compare it to my complete inability to comprehend when someone tells me they don't like chocolate. After my immediate lashing out of, "THAT'S BULLSHIT!! That's just plain bullshit! Nobody doesn't like chocolate! Nobody!" And then said person says, "Well...I don't like it...." When I was younger I chalked it up to them trying to be better than me. "They think they're being healthier than me and more adult for not eating chocolate. They're such a prude. They really like chocolate and they're lying to my face!" Then I became an adult and I just had to accept that the taste of chocolate just may be undesirable to some people. I still think that those people are weird but then again, how many people think that of me (drinking or no)? Either way, I still believe there are more people who don't drink than people who don't like chocolate so this makes me feel better in that respect. Jim Gaffigan (for those of you under a rock is a comedian who also happens to not drink) once created a very funny bit about this very issue and raises a valid point: Why don't people think it's odd when you turn down any other sort of common food or drink when you mention you don't eat or drink that particular item?:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-X2zPMB5dk

So here are my reasons:

1. I don't like the smell. This is also why I have refused to try mustard and most other condiments. The smell of mustard has literally made me gag. I make my boyfriend sit far away from me when he uses that or hot sauce because the smell alone gives me the heaves. I'm like a cat with a hairball. Seriously. It's no joke, my friends. If I don't like how something smells, I'm not going to ingest it. It's that simple. Why I don't date drinkers (or people who don't drink much) is because I hate the smell of it on their breath. It's one of the biggest turn offs to me. If you've been drinking and you're talking to me, know I am wishing you chose a coke or lemonade. I say that with love.

2. I'm already loosened. Everyone tells me they drink to loosen up. I always thought this was the most bizarre cure for social anxiety - primarily if they didn't have it. I didn't talk in public for nearly ten years of my life because I was shy times a billion. My classmates never heard my voice and when I finally decided to start speaking one year by saying "Here" when the teacher called out my name for attendance of the first day of school, I could hear every seat scrape against the floor as heads looked in my direction in complete shock and disbelief. I also looked around to see if maybe Jesus walked in behind me, but no, it was I, "the girl who doesn't talk" who caused the rows of dropped draws. Point being, I was more shy in my life than you ever were and you know what I did? I became an actor. Now I have to convince people I'm not drunk when out with friends because I have no qualms or misgivings about doing stuff sober that most people can only do plastered. My motto is: Dance like everyone's watching and hope they love your Roger Rabbit on aisle 7. Or show the cute drunk stranger who asked you to sing a karaoke duet with him how to own a 5 inch tall platform stage by humping it. Life is too short not to remember it the next day. I wasted too many years of my life caring.

3. I'd rather eat calories than drink them. Seriously? Rumor has it that shit you're drinking doesn't even taste good. Have you ever had a brownie obsession smothered in caramel and nuts? It's unfair to even compare.

4. I don't want to drink $30 tonight. I do admit I may be extra weird in that I don't drink soda or milk... or really anything except water. Once in a great while when I'm really feeling wild I'll have an iced tea or lemonade and I often have tea. But if I'm drinking, I'm drinking for free. And my dates may want to get me drunk so I'll go back to their place, but little do they know they get the best of both worlds: I'm a cheap date AND I'll go back to their place anyway.

5. It's not a religious or moral thing. Last time I checked Jesus made his blood into wine and with the problems he had in life, I'm willing to bet he drank away most of his problems anyway. As a child, when I went to church, I recall the priests drinking wine during the ceremony... so I don't know how drinking for some religious people is taboo, but clearly it is. But I'm not religious in the slightest. I'm full blown agnostic. I don't swing either way so my decision not to drink doesn't come from a religious high horse of morality. If it was, I probably could also tell you the names of every man I've slept with... but I can't. And it isn't because of anonymity's sake or necessarily having a long list... it's just because sometimes I just didn't care enough to remember. And that's.... okay. (See last sentence of #4).

6. I don't like drunk people. There I said it. I like you better how you are sober than you are drunk. And you know all those people who say you're funnier drunk than sober? It's because they were also drunk when they were with you. (*whispers* I just like you for you!) Being at a party with a bunch of people who are on their way from buzz to embarrassment (ie: drunk) means it's my cue to leave. For me it's suddenly like being at a party I wasn't invited to. In my expert party giving/attending experiences, drinking parties are the most pathetically boring parties on the planet (and I only end up at them by accident when they are sometimes disguised as something else like "Game night!" or "Grandma's 90th Birthday Party!"). Get it together people. Surely you can plan a party better than that. If I knew I was coming to a party where the only festivity was a liquid beverage, I'd stay home and watch Anchorman for the millionth time and eat my brownies and drink my water in peace without you screaming in my ear that you want to lick my knee while your tequila breath is bowling me over like a warm blow of steaming cow turd dipped in WD40.

7. I'd probably be dead if I drank. We all have our highs and lows in life. Depression effects one in.... well let's face it... almost everyone. Let's call it what is it: I've suffered from severe bouts of depression my whole life and the longest I've gone without slipping back into a funk has been just over a year and it's where I am now and it's great and I've been off all medication. My condition has been at the lowest point it can go and I never made it an issue for my family or friends in life. I've usually kept it quiet and tried to work hard on it by myself. And while I finally was treated for it during most of my 20s, all my shrinks we're pretty well blown away that I didn't "deal" with any of my issues (if only depression was the only one, by golly!) by drinking or taking drugs (that's right, I also have never done illegal drugs - what a prude). You know how I dealt with being depressed? I was just depressed. And I cried a lot. And often times the crying gave me bad headaches so I took Ibuprofen. And that's how bad ass I got with my oral self soothing ways. I have an addictive personality (which means people are addicted to me) and I have a family history of alcohol abuse (which means my family hits beer bottles a lot and gives them bruised labels)... so I know I'm at risk for falling into the same boat and I know if I started on any kind of "substance" I would have sent myself down a slippery slope. On one serious note in this blog, I feel for certain, if I had let alcohol or drugs into my life, I would have become dependent and, mixed with the severe depression and various other illnesses I encountered in my past, it would have led to an early death. My past doctors also agreed that this was my saving grace. So when we're talking about that, I really don't think you're going to pull an argument from your ass that will convince me that "one day" I'll start drinking. I'm pretty much all set.

8. I like being in control. I don't believe in consuming alcohol or certain drugs because they alter the reality of the person I naturally am without it. They alter others' perception of me and my perception of the world. If I can't be comfortable with that, then I shouldn't be spending my money on drinking the reason why away. I should be figuring out why and fixing it. You may argue with me that in moderation it's fine. I will argue that that's fine for you. I like not forgetting things as often as possible. I forget enough as it is and I'm still young. You know what else I don't need? A hangover. I especially don't need you calling out of work because of one and I have to save your ass because of it. I recall years ago that a coworker of about 19 called out of work because when he passed out at a party the night before, his friends took a green Sharpie and drew dicks all over his face. It wouldn't come off and so he couldn't come in and greet the public with a wave, a smile and a gangrene penis on his forehead. I would have done the rest of my shift at that moment for free to see it, but alas, we all lost that day. This is what we call being out of control. And for many young folk, nothing is learned from these situations except how "cool" being an idiot is.

Here's what not to do when you encounter someone that doesn't drink (I should note that my circle of closest friends at home weren't big drinkers so this rarely came up. However, with acquaintances and newbies, it certainly does):

1. Don't try to make them your designated driver. Seriously, if you want to party and get drunk at 3am, that is your choice. Stay where you are and sober up on the floor. Or call a sober friend who drinks so you can take turns returning the favor. Ima busy sleepin' and not vomiting.

2. Don't try to make the person who doesn't drink feel better that they don't drink. I usually get, "Oh, that's great that you don't drink" or "Good for you" or "Wish I had that sort of will power". I don't feel like you're judging me for not drinking. I don't need a pep talk. I don't need you to compliment me and say, "That is awesome." I agree that, yes, I am awesome. However, I'm not awesome because I don't drink. I'm not anything because I don't drink. I just have a way lighter bill than you if we go TGI Fridays and I have a higher bill than you if we go to the DQ. And since I'm not "recovering", not drinking for the reasons I listened above.... is actually not hard at all. It's nothing. I've never had a blueberry and I don't get any validation over that decision. It just is.

3. If you offer someone a drink who doesn't drink, offer something else. I can't tell you how many times someone has offered to buy me a drink. Half of the time someone will ask to buy a soda instead. This is when it gets embarrassing for me since I don't drink soda either. But a good person always offers a water instead. And trust me, I'm content with iced tap water all the way. I'm talking about when someone wants to take you out for a drink (or coffee - and sadly I don't drink that either and never have - that's another blog) for a date and when you say you don't drink, drop the date idea all together. How about take me out for icecream? Be better to me than the bar scene. And just because I don't drink, doesn't mean I don't want to go out. There are other options, psycho.

4. If you want to know why, have a reason. Don't ask me why I don't drink because you want to be an annoying dick who wants to convert me. Ask me if you genuinely are interested because you think it will change the dynamic of the relationship. For instance, if you drink a lot, maybe you want to warn me not to party with you. Maybe you think I'm religious and we won't click. Maybe you think I'm in AA and so are you and you think you may have an AA pal. There are many reasons why a person doesn't drink, but if it doesn't concern you, just don't get into it. I don't ask the non-chocolate lover why they don't eat chocolate. I just think, "Hey....they just don't. Whatever. More for me."

5. Don't try to convince me to try it or tell me what I'm missing. Really? If you're not a 20 year old frat boy, I will assume you're adult enough not to assume me naive in the ways of the world because I don't drink and I don't know what I missing. Hey, you? Go fuck yourself.

Most likely if you ask me, I will shrug my shoulders and say, "I just don't. I'm turned off by it." and you will like it. And if it isn't enough, I will point you to this blog so you will regret ever asking why I have made this decision. To be fair, it was never really a conscious decision, I just didn't want to do it. I hope this was the answer you all were looking for. Or the really long winded answer you were looking for that you really weren't looking for. For it is told that I have also never done the following:

*Skiied
*Ate a cranberry
*Drank eggnog
*Swiped my finger through a candle flame
*Iceskated
*Pet a jellyfish
or
*Jumped out of an airplane

I mean, come on, you'd have to get me pretty drunk to do any of that. Oh wait....!